Sunday + Coverage = STRESS

Okay, I probably should wait to write until I don't feel the stress but....

I have the pager for work. Background: My area at work is sort of split between mainframe computer and pc/server computer products. I have argued for years that we should have 2 pagers because since my expertise is on the mainframe and I cannot even log onto a pc/server, that it seems silly for me to "provide coverage" for the pc side. I'm told the pc people feel the same as I do in regards to the mainframe. But, I have always been told we work together as a team and you just call a co-worker. Guess what - the two people I called that could definitely handle the problem were not home. This was my nightmare come true. Now what?

I called my supervisor. Tells me to check something else. I don't have the tool - never even heard of it. So I guess I can't get on to look, eh?

Thankfully, I tried an alternate number for one person and the spouse gave me the in-laws number where the person was. Fine, problem is under control (and I don't (can't) do any more).

But why the stress - besides what I just listed??
Everyone, everything here in the house.
My 5 year old wants to play, wants lunch. "Mom.....Mom...." - which of course as my anxiety goes up, I snap. That triggers the "guilty Mom feelings". I tell her call her father if she needs something. I HAVE TO WORK. I have to be the one to bring the money in for the bills. I CANNOT let it slide. I have to try my best at this job just in case something changes in the future and they want to eliminate jobs or things.

Then DH - I'm sure he thought it was a help - after making DD's sandwich -- comes by -- as I'm tense as can be at the computer with the phone in one ear and I'm trying to text out on the blackberry/pager -- and tries to snuggle and rub my shoulders. I push him away and I'm sure he is crushed by this because he is so fragile about things like this. Just like one night this week, I got paged as he came to bed and he wanted to snuggle as the thing was going off. I pushed him as "get off of me" and I'm sure he took it personally.

But is it such a stretch to understand how much my job stresses me in times like this? How not being sure I'll be able to handle the problem will result in my failure? and how putting me in a situation that I can only react to because i do not have time to explain makes me a nervous wreck because of how fragile he can be about things? You know, I didn't think he was so fragile but his counselors seem to so what should I believe? Ignore them then if something happens I'll be blaming myself?? Or just try to deal and remember he can be that fragile on this stuff and stress about it all the time?

I don't know where I stand sometimes.
Not home.
Not work.

I think I need chocolate or shopping.
Perhaps shopping for chocolate????