National Tear Day? I wonder

It was one of those days. Felt very emotional, on the edge. And, no, it is not PMS.
Feed up with alot of aspects of Life - things at work, personal things. Never seem to get ahead. Try to be responsible at work and then panic at things - this of course while others sleep at their desk or take a 1/2 hour long distance phone call twice a day.
So I spent a couple of hours this morning just trying to hold it together, to not just be crying.
I get thru the day. I go to pick up DD at Pre-kindergarten/day care.
Find out she also has been quick to tears ALL day too.
So, is it in the air or what?

One thing that is weighing on the back of my brain is the fact my counselor of years moved to another state. It is just short of an hour from my house. But with the schedule as it is, the only day I could feasibly go is on a Saturday. So then if something comes up and i need to reschedule, it's a whole week before i can go again.
She used to be down the street from work. I'd go at lunch time, get everything out, feel like I let it all go and go back to work -- not taking anything away from my motherhood duties. But the distance just was not going to work. So this past Saturday, I told her I would have to find someone more local.
She totally understood. But starting over is scary. And there was only one person she personally knew that she could recommend - but that person only has hours a couple days a week. ugh - I'm not looking forward to starting over.

She also told me she was proud of me. How far I've come in the time she has known me. How she admires my strength, how strong I am. How large of a heart I have. Gee, even as I write this, tears are flowing. I'm not strong. I feel like I'm on the edge, on the fragile fence and can fall over at any time. I try to just do, to do for my daughter. And I keep on going for her. And as soon as she is in bed, I feel myself shut down. The depression seems to grow without her smiley face right there.
One day, my counselor complemented me on my work outfit, how i look "together". I laughed, explained how i make sure my clothes are machine wash tumble dry and how this stuff was pulled from a pile and i shook out the wrinkles. I can pull myself together when I 'have to' but inside I don't feel together.

I guess that is what is getting me - being called "proud" and told she "admired" my strength. Because I don't feel strong.
And being called strong makes me realize how un-strong I am.

The way to make Memories

Today is gorgeous out. About 65, maybe 70. Sun is shining, no rain, few clouds.
We are trying something new with DD's bicycle. See, we had training wheels on it but she has bent 3 pairs. She is leaning on one side and since she is a very tall 5 year old, she is also more heavy and she leans hard and ends up bending - and braking the training wheels. I found something called a "Balance Buddy". You can see it on Amazon.com if you like.

Basically it's a large handle you attach to the back wheel. The parents then help guide the bike upright while the child can learn - and trust - their own balance. And, after using it, I have to totally agree with the reviews posted on Amazon.... This item ROCKS!

DH was feeling well today also. We put the bar on the bike but at first, DD was very hesitant. She has a perfectionist gene and if she can't do it in a minute she wants to give up. But some how, he convinced her we could take the bike down to the big, flat lot at the school down the street. And after a few attempts, Daddy was not holding on. Guiding perhaps at time but she was doing it. She doesn't believe Daddy let go -- but I took movies. She is acting very proud of herself - and we are proud too.

But while at the school, there is a playground. We stayed there a bit too. First, she made friends with a little boy that was there with his aunt. Then when he left, she and Daddy climbed the rock wall together. And there is this piece that is under the slide - sort of looks like the walk up window at an ice cream shop. So she loves to play restaurant. I didn't participate much. I'm not feeling so well today. But Daddy was up to playing and it was fun to watch. She put him "in jail" for shouting from a pretend window.... LOL it was funny. Great memories in the making.

And Dad was in rare form. The man I fell in love with was there today. Funny, going with the moment, enjoying life. How I've missed that man.

I have to be careful. Days like this makes me assume there can be more like this. Maybe assume is the wrong word... HOPE is probably what it is like. Then, the weather changes, and his pain is back and it seems 10-fold and I get depressed because that fun man is gone. I can't "expect" days like today with his health. I need to learn to just accept the day, to cherish it and not to be dissappointed if it does not happen again for awhile.

From Parent on-looker to Softball Coach

Sometimes I wonder what I'm thinking. With everything I already have on my plate --
I volunteered to help my daughters Instructional Softball team. There had been a second coach at the first practice but he seems to have disappeared. The guy that is the head coach is doing a great job but as I watched him on Tuesday, trying to keep 12 girls paying attention, doing this all by himself, I thought about the "game".

They are "games" in the sense we will have another team there but in Instructional, they will not keep score. I'm thinking that as the batter is batting, the rest of the girls are on the bench.... and the vision I had was just not good. Imagine 11 girls, aged 5 to 8, sitting there -- or should I say not sitting there.

I recalled all the years I went to watch my nephew and niece play ball (they are now 28 and 26) that the assistant coach or the manager kept the bench "under control". So I offered. And on Friday, I'm off to the Police Station for a BCI (background) check.

I know I would be at the field for all the practices and games anyway but I was thinking I could crochet or make phone calls. But one adult can't do it alone.

Of course, I have never played myself. I'm not athletic in the least but I'm a good cheerleader and keep the girls on their toes and under control.

Wish me Luck!

Later Sunday and feeling better (some)....

Okay, maybe my previous post was a bit more emotionally generated than rational.
Things from work are over - for now at least.
DD wanted to play some Webkinz and we also played Littlest Pet shop. She has been in the tub for some time (is there a limit when letting them play in the tub is a bad mother thing to do?? I had to refill and add hot water once already)
I relaxed with some episodes of Fraiser. And I just played some Webkinz games to earn webkinz dollars.

I should be getting ready to go to a quilt guild meeting but I'm not in the mood. and one of my good friends is definitely not going. So I don't want to now either.

I should be making dinner but I'm craving a spinach pie from the pizza place.

I should be doing laundry - folding already done laundry - but instead I'm here online.

I really should go wash DD's hair and get her out of the tub. She might be a size smaller from "pruning" up in the water.....

TTFN

Sunday + Coverage = STRESS

Okay, I probably should wait to write until I don't feel the stress but....

I have the pager for work. Background: My area at work is sort of split between mainframe computer and pc/server computer products. I have argued for years that we should have 2 pagers because since my expertise is on the mainframe and I cannot even log onto a pc/server, that it seems silly for me to "provide coverage" for the pc side. I'm told the pc people feel the same as I do in regards to the mainframe. But, I have always been told we work together as a team and you just call a co-worker. Guess what - the two people I called that could definitely handle the problem were not home. This was my nightmare come true. Now what?

I called my supervisor. Tells me to check something else. I don't have the tool - never even heard of it. So I guess I can't get on to look, eh?

Thankfully, I tried an alternate number for one person and the spouse gave me the in-laws number where the person was. Fine, problem is under control (and I don't (can't) do any more).

But why the stress - besides what I just listed??
Everyone, everything here in the house.
My 5 year old wants to play, wants lunch. "Mom.....Mom...." - which of course as my anxiety goes up, I snap. That triggers the "guilty Mom feelings". I tell her call her father if she needs something. I HAVE TO WORK. I have to be the one to bring the money in for the bills. I CANNOT let it slide. I have to try my best at this job just in case something changes in the future and they want to eliminate jobs or things.

Then DH - I'm sure he thought it was a help - after making DD's sandwich -- comes by -- as I'm tense as can be at the computer with the phone in one ear and I'm trying to text out on the blackberry/pager -- and tries to snuggle and rub my shoulders. I push him away and I'm sure he is crushed by this because he is so fragile about things like this. Just like one night this week, I got paged as he came to bed and he wanted to snuggle as the thing was going off. I pushed him as "get off of me" and I'm sure he took it personally.

But is it such a stretch to understand how much my job stresses me in times like this? How not being sure I'll be able to handle the problem will result in my failure? and how putting me in a situation that I can only react to because i do not have time to explain makes me a nervous wreck because of how fragile he can be about things? You know, I didn't think he was so fragile but his counselors seem to so what should I believe? Ignore them then if something happens I'll be blaming myself?? Or just try to deal and remember he can be that fragile on this stuff and stress about it all the time?

I don't know where I stand sometimes.
Not home.
Not work.

I think I need chocolate or shopping.
Perhaps shopping for chocolate????

Lazy Sunday & the beginning of a new week

Another Lazy day. I guess we were due. We haven't had NOTHING to do on a weekend in eons.

We all sort of did our own thing today. Watched some movies, did some webkinz, played some other pc games.

I did leave the house - I went grocery shopping. I had to.
I am going to try to make dinners. We have been ordering out so often. Everything is going up in price. It is costing $50 now to fill the mini-van! Of course, the salary did not go up to accommodate $3.20 a gallon gas or $4.29 a gallon milk. So I have to do something. I'll start with trying to make dinners.

Its not that I dislike cooking. I just get in from work and really need a few minutes to unwind. But I rarely get it. I try. But I will try harder, get over the hump, and move forward.

A friend of mine is looking to change her bad habits. She has even gotten back into her scrapbooking. If only i can get some areas organized so I can have space to do the same. I'm hoping her achievements will be inspiration from me.

So dinner tomorrow will be the crock meal I have been wanting to do for a bit. Which means I just need a few minutes in the morning to get it started and it can cook all day.

I know I accomplished a bit this weekend but there always seems so much to do that did not get down. I need to learn to accept the small steps and pat myself on the back. Not to just look at what did not get done.

Here's to a new week......

Lazy, Rainy, Saturday

A rainy Saturday. It did clear up but we never left the house.
Softball had "field clean up day" and a practice but it was raining in the morning and hence they were cancelled.

So a lazy day at home. I think I even found the top of my kitchen table!!!

Did a bunch of Webkinz things today and made a ton of webkinz money. Too bad it isn't real! LOL
Cleaned up some toys too.
Watched Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was very cute. DD loved it.
I should be sewing, or crocheting.
But instead, I'm at this machine, trying to get back into Webkinz but the servers seem full.
Maybe I should put a movie in and crochet.

I should have run to the grocery store.... I'm having an IceCream craving.....

ttfn

Becoming a proud Softball Momma

DD is signed up for Instructional Softball. She has been very excited.
My DD - who is not quite 5 1/2 - can be quite the Drama Queen. QUITE!
I was so proud of her at practice the other night. She got hit by the ball while she was doing batting practice. Right on her hands. She immediately broke into tears and a loud wail - the shock and sting, I'm sure. Her coach is very good (I do like how he handles the girls) and said "Ok, why don't you go see Mom, let Mom take a look" while he kept the other girls busy with ground balls to the infield.

As my daughter walks from home plate to the dugout opening near first base, about 1/2 there she stops, turns around and says - with no more tears - "It's ok, I want to bat again.".
No drama. She went right back up there and not afraid of the ball.

In the car, she tells me she lied. I asked what she meant. She said it was still hurting and it hurt for a bunch of minutes after but she wanted to go back and bat so she lied it was better.

This is the same girl at Ice Skating who would she was tired of doing drills, say her ankle hurt or she needed a rest but then wanted to be back out there for "free skate".

She made me one proud Momma